Leaving the Competitive Scene

Spent all of Friday and Saturday practicing/competing in the Alienware Arena Winter Invitational. The invite-only tournament comprised of the top 32 players in Alienware's two month long competition. From the RO32, I struggled my way into the RO8, where I faced an opponent who had a lucky run; All of his opponents failed to show up that day... How is that even possible? There needs to be at least three no-shows in the same bracket for that to even happen... How can you be invited into a 32-player tournament for $1500 in prizes for the top 4 players and not show up!? Anyways, I lost 2-0 in the RO8 to this guy in the Best of Three series to the same strategy twice: he did a 2rax reactor/techlab SCV rush both games. Fucking hell. I lost to this newb twice when I'm one round away from securing at least $100 (4th place finish). 

Today, I quit competitive StarCraft 2 -- with total earnings of $250 (3rd/4th place finish in the Alienware Arena Fall Season). Even though there is money to be made by playing the game, it's not guaranteed. Playing the game for prize money is a huge commitment, time sink, and more often than not, a waste of efforts.

This week, I have a dynamic system to model in Simulink due on Monday, a problem set+programming assignment for A.I. due on Wednesday, an exam for Design of Mechanical Components on Thursday, and a Mechanical Engineering lab experiment to conduct (plus pre-lab to writeup) on Friday. I am screwed.

I don't have time to compete in tournaments like this every week only to lose to some retarded shit when I'm so close to being in the green. 

StarCraft 2 is just a game. The money awarded to its players, although tempting if you feel you can obtain a monetary finish, is not enough for me to sacrifice other more important priorities in life. Hell, $250 is about 1.5 days worth of work in the industry. It's not worth it, not during the semester anyway... Maybe over Spring break, I'll find some time to compete with rusty mechanics in the Playhem Daily, a reputable daily tournament with a much smaller prize pool ($100 distributed to the top competitors for that day). For now, I need the time normally spent on StarCraft 2 to focus on my studies and fixing the lengthy list of problems that I have in my life.

Four Years of Regret

---Rough Draft, will fix wording/grammar/structure later---

I have wanted to update this journal for about two years now. The whole time, I have been hesitant to do so mainly because I have been (and still) emotionally bothered. Although this blog used to be a place where I felt comfortable voicing both my pleasures and pains, at some point, my mind filled itself with thoughts of doubts and regrets, that I felt no need for it to be shared. I’ve come to regret almost everything that I have done in the past two years. I’ve let my wild thoughts take control over my life: I’ve lost touch with who I was, and in it, who I have always wanted to be.

There was once a time in my life where I felt a fiery passion towards everything that I did. I always made sure that I was kept busy and constantly providing my best efforts in my undertakings. Whatever I desired, I fought and struggled for it (which for most of my life, was simply “to prove myself”). But recently, such dedication and self-discipline is absent in me.

Depression. It is the root of all of the problems that I have recently encountered. On the surface, I may not appear to have many problems due to my credentials. I can take pride in being on track towards receiving a double major in two technical fields (Computer Science and Mechanical Engineering). I can be proud of myself for completing an enlightening internship at one of the world’s largest multinational tech corporations, and due to re-intern in the following summer. I can be proud of all that I have done in high school -- having taken eleven Advanced Placement exams and nine of them were qualifying scores that granted me credit upon entering university.

But looking beyond credentials: I am just a pathetic unsocial who is obsessed over the notion of proving his own worth by means of competition.

My whole life, I have taken interest in hobbies like Track, Chess, Math, WarCraft, StarCraft, etc, because they were all means to differentiate one’s own skill level from another. My competitive nature joined with academics is what drives me towards depression. My competitiveness caused me to be upset over the fact that I did not secure what was best for me and my education during college admissions.

It was for the better. Looking back on it now, it was the perfect decision. I have managed to secure an internship at a CS dream company, and I've met many astounding people here. There are opportunities everywhere, despite the name of the campus. But in my state of depression, I figured I would forget about the past and simply start anew towards my life-long desire to make a mark in scientific history. I told myself I would work hard for another four years, carrying my level of self-discipline from high school over into college. This time, rather than aiming for an impressive Advanced Placement track record, I would aim for an impressive college course load track record.

Before my first semester of college, I asked my brother to select courses best suited for me, applying AP credits where he could. I did not want a single semester where I would feel unchallenged. He enrolled me in CS201, ENG113, MIE201, MIE230, and MIE273. If I had just taken ENGIN113, I would have known that Mechanical Engineering is not my calling. I probably would have dropped from Mechanical Engineering after having witnessed the workload, but after having completed four mechanical engineering courses in my first semester, I felt that it was already too late to back out. I already committed... I was forced to endure the stress from a field that I do not enjoy studying for four years, and that was that.

It is now two and a half years later, and the temptation to call quits for Mechanical Engineering has pushed me into serious depression. What the fuck was I thinking when I went down this path? I wanted to study robotics, and a Computer Science degree would be sufficient for that cause. I could have graduated in two years with a CS degree and studied something that I held more interest in, like Japanese, Italian, or Chinese. I fucked up when I entered university. I made a thoughtless decision that has robbed me of my self-esteem.

In the Spring of my sophomore year, it was apparent that I lost motivation to do a lot of things. I no longer saw value in grades and physical fitness. I pretty much spent all of my time playing/watching StarCraft 2, and when I was not in my room, I would be conjuring up new warp prism strategies. Luckily, I had interviewed for Cisco in the Fall of that year, otherwise, I don’t think I would have been able to present myself well with a shattered self-esteem. Ever since, I’ve been getting nervous breakdowns... in presentations, in casual talks, in class-when I know the answer to a question being asked by the professor, and would like to raise my hand to answer. It’s become a very serious problem in all facets of my life.

 T.B.C.

I know I'm depressed. I know there's a lot of work on my plate. I know my mind is bothered by a tremendous number of things. But they shouldn't interfere with a relationship. Often times, I turn down attendance in what you're interested in, tell you that I don't have time, or that I want to have some alone time. I know I've been a total let down in the past year; I've been this lifeless shadow that you're always trying so hard to please, but can't ever really seem to. I haven’t put much effort in trying to cure myself of this illness, as I thought that so long as my grades were up and my SC2 rank among the top in the continent, I was in good standing. I’ve always thought that my depression is something that will eventually fade when leaving college, but that’s much too late. I need to put an end to this NOW. Please talk to me; I really need your support through these tough times. 

I have been offered an internship at Cisco Systems.

Should brush up on my C programming.

12. My Persisting Obsession

When Blizzard announced the launch of Starcraft 2 beta, I was incredibly excited as StarCraft 2 was a game that I had anticipated for years. Hence, I took every action possible to sneak peeks at the game without actually having beta access. I have watched replays, hung out at livestreams, read beta forums, and played cracked versions of the game offline. But recently, just over Spring break, all of these things have become a thing of the past, for I have finally been invited into beta!

I am now veryyyy grateful to Joe for the beta invite. He is like my benefactor because of this. Not too long ago, Blizzard released a wave of friend invites, which allowed people who were already in beta to invite one of their friends into beta. Joe has had access to SC2 for a lengthy while, but he never knew about it because he never cared to check his Battlenet account. --gasp! An SC2 beta recipient who isn’t aware of his fortune?! That makes me sad as an individual who is constantly hitting F5 on his browser feebly wishing for an invite.

Upon hearing of Joe getting SC2 beta access, I’ve been reminded of some threads I have read. I’ve been lurking in the Starcraft 2 general forums for quite some time, and it seems like Blizzard holds favoritism towards their WoW players over their RTS fans. Many diehard Blizzard RTS fans create threads complaining about the matter, and Joe is just another example of someone who had a WoW subscription on his Battlenet account and managed to be one of the lucky few who got selected. Is there really a pattern in their selection process or did it simply arise because most Battlenet account holders are WoW players to begin with (because signups for bnet accounts were required in order to play the game)? Who knows...? I think patterns, like the ones mentioned in the general forums, are often misleading, but out of all the people I know, only Joe, a WoW player, got in. I sort of buy into the whole “Blizzard conspiracy theory” now.

I was astonishingly giddy when Joe sent me his friend invite. I remember that night: I stayed up until 6AM playing Starcraft. My moderate success in the ten placement matches that I was offered has placed me into the silver league. As of now, I still cannot promote myself to the gold or platinum leagues, although I have been facing off against people from those leagues and winning. I wonder how the league placement system works.

A week after having been invited into beta, I had well over 120 games on my account, and by then, another wave of friend invites was sent out. I could invite anyone into beta, but I decided to return the favor to Joe, who wanted to invite his roommate to play with him. However, as soon as his roommate redeemed the beta key, he realized that there isn’t any Mac client out for the game yet. Aw. So we basically wasted a beta key—until the Mac client comes out in three or more weeks.
I usually play 1v1 games with random race, but occasionally, Joe and I would play 2v2 games using cheese strategies (SCV/marine rush)... because only then will we have a remote chance at winning. But lately, ever since Spring break was over, Joe hasn’t been playing SC2. Blasphemy! So temporarily, I’ve lent his account to Sean to use. Yay! Finally, I have someone to play 1v1 with!

Somewhere along the lines, I got Ivy interested in watching my SC2 games and interested in playing SC1 for the plot. But SC1 isn’t very noob-friendly, and carrying out simple actions in SC1 require a lot of skill, because of bad pathing, limited unit selection, and single building selection.

I think Starcraft 2 is killing my academics, as I frequently push aside homework until the day before they’re due. I constantly find myself spending at least 3 hours a day on SC2, even on schooldays. I really need to go outside and jog to relieve stress like old days, but I can’t; I’m so addicted. It’s not only a contemporary obsession, but it’s also a persisting one.

11. My Contemporary Obsession

    I’ve been feeling pretty sick the past couple of days. I think the work is finally beginning to catch up, and the stress is getting to me. I had three exams this week and one exam last week, as well as projects and essays due along the way. As a result, I’ve been feeling stomach pains and headaches. I decided to take a break and miss out on a couple of classes during this week as a result.

    But it isn’t exactly all work and no play. In fact, several weeks back, a couple of dev teams have successfully made a crack to get a single player mode working with StarCraft 2 where you can face off against an AI. Very rapidly, it has come to be a very popular tool that has been widely distributed throughout the web. With it, RTS veterans, like me, are finally able to get their hands on StarCraft 2. Of course, this goes against Blizzard’s Terms of Use Agreement, but eh... you can’t deprive a die-hard fan from something he really wants, and then nonchalantly hand it out to others who can care less about it. I mean come on! I would be the happiest guy in the world if I were to get into beta, but half of those who were lucky enough to have been selected to test out the game end up selling their beta access on ebay or simply quit the game out of boredom. That makes me cry.

    Well, the second wave has passed by, and I still didn’t get a key. I would imagine that are over a million users opted-in for beta testing (mostly from World of WarCraft), and if ten thousand lucky testers are to be picked at random, even then I would have to be extremely lucky in order to get in. With odds like those, I shouldn’t expect anything. I should just continue on with my life as if StarCraft 2 beta doesn’t exist. But..... I would always find myself logging onto my Battle.net account to check to see whether or not if the miracle has happened, and I would always find myself reading StarCraft 2 forums. Arr, I waste so much time just thinking about it. StarCraft 2... my precioussss~. Once I have you, I will climb the ladder!

    Playing against the AI is pretty fun. It’s definitely a lot less stress than playing against an actual player. But what I dislike about playing against the AI is that they always utilize the same strategy. All one would really need to do to beat the AI is turtle up and play defensively until he could muster a large enough force to counter. I doubt that that sort of a play style would be viable against an actual skilled player on Battlenet. The AI really needs some improvements. I was fooling around one time, and I found an incredibly easy way to defeat them. All you need to do is rush photon cannons in their base, and they’ll ignore the fact that you’re building in their base. Haaa, so unrealistic.

    There are some school nights where I would stay up to watch a live stream of someone playing StarCraft 2. From what I have seen in livestreams, it seems as though even in the platinum league, there isn’t a lot of microing involved in StarCraft 2. =/ Oh well. It’s always fun to re-watch David Kim play in Blizzard Battle Reports over and over, because his ability to micro is incredible.

    I played a game of StarCraft 1 recently. Haha. Needless to say, I was terrible since I haven’t played that game in ages, and I’ve already gotten used to playing StarCraft 2. =< As a zerg, I’d like to be able to summon a queen after building a Spawning Pool. I also got some inhouse games of Heroes of Newerth with Sahnbus finally. But those games were too easy, especially since Sahn and Tawmeee are new to the game. =/ I want more games in the future!

    Sooo in other news, this week is the last week before Spring vacation! I am soooo ready to take a breakkkk! Ah, but that means I have to leave behind my privacy plus my awesome double room in Amherst for a week. Eh. Oh well. I can’t wait to hang out with peeps in Malden again. There are so many things I need to do back in Malden! Most of it involves Super Smash Brothers Brawl. ;-]